I didn’t think yesterday would be so hard but it was. Looking back on the past two years makes me realize how much I’ve lost. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud to have created the BLOG. I don’t think I ever would have done it were it not for my LiS, much less stuck with it. I know I had a couple of hiccups along the way, but I was able to push through them. I of course have Jonell, Lydia, Celia and all of you to thank for that. You were my life preserver when I felt like I was drowning. Physically I still feel I have a long way to go. I work on it everyday. Though I have to admit, I should do more. I worry that the absence of real physical therapy may stop me from any chance I may have at recovery. Has the door closed on any progress I will make? Will I begin to lose any progress because my muscles continue to atrophy for lack of use? Questions I ask myself all the time. I do have a speaking valve, but I struggle to even make a noise when wearing it. I don’t have enough lung capacity to push sufficient air over my vocal cords. This seems to be a common theme of people who suffer from Locked in Syndrome. This is according to what is being reported on one of the LiS sites I am a member of. There doesn’t seem to be any real solution for it though. I’ve even been on a site that speaks of muscle fatigue being a common symptom among stroke victims. It happens to me often, but I struggle to remember, did I notice it happen as frequently before I read it on the website? I don’t like to be negative, but have I uttered my last words? Sung my last song? Singing has always been something that I do for enjoyment. Some even say I had a nice voice. That I sound like Neil Diamond when I sing. There were people who would actually come to my karaoke shows to hear me sing classics like, “Sweet Caroline” and “Cherry, “Cherry”. Very dear memories for me. So many dreams, I’m certainly not ready to throw in. I the towel. If I’m going to make a recovery, then this old dog is going to have to learn some new tricks. I don’t want to lose my positivity or that of those around me, but I would be lying if I said that nothing was wrong. I sometimes lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling and thinking this could be how I will spend the rest of my days. I can’t help but wonder, will I ever see my reflection in the water, or hear the sound of my own voice again?
